Loosing Arrows

While some have been sensational enough to call our recent cooler temperatures the summer side of Snowmaggedon, I shrug and take the opportunity to sport cashmere-- seriously people, it's going to be 80 degrees again by the weekend.

This week has (so far) been full of small joys, things that will fade too quickly if I let them.  A sunny day walking around a new (to me) town with a friend.  Being given a free drink by a barista at my favorite coffee shop, for the second time and apparently just because.  Finding a 40's gown yesterday that is one of my favorite discoveries yet.  Beautiful sunsets, both captured and not.  It's little joys like these that remind me that God not only sees me and values me, but he delights greatly in me-- and I badly need that reminder this morning.

I'm headed out tomorrow morning to serve as a smallgroup leader at my church's summer youth camp, #Sandblast14.  A sea of 1,700 high school students, a handful of which I have the opportunity to walk alongside.  Right before events like these, Satan usually makes it his business to go for my jugular.  To throw me off or cause self doubt in my heart, to distract me from the words of my Father in a time when I'll need to share them with others.  Misunderstandings with friends that come out of left field, logistical issues, busy schedules and general confusion.  When this happens, I am so thankful for those little joyful moments that God put in my path.  Reminders for a rainy day (like today) when I need to remember that my Father sees me, prepares for me and never leaves my side.  They are arrows of truth designed to puncture lies and distraction.

Today I'm loosing arrows.

Details

{sweater} - vintage 60's, thrifted

{skirt} - vintage 70's from a closed Etsy shop

{shoes} - vintage 60's, thrifted

{necklace} - fair trade by Mata Traders

{bracelet} - gift

Beauty

I think I have realized in the past two weeks for the first time in a long time, that I am beautiful and that is okay.

I've long had something of a shame complex related to anything even remotely perceivable as narcissistic.  It's like I'd rather bleed out than be arrogant. I've definitely sorted out where that comes from in my story, but the largest struggle is allowing myself to be successful, good at things and yes, even beautiful without feeling guilty or shameful.  I have for years, subconsciously hamstrung, sabotaged and shot myself in the foot out of shame. 

Creating and continuing this blog has actually been a large stepping stone in getting past that, but I still wrestle with it on a daily basis.

Last Wednesday I purchased a loveseat from a woman who physically stopped me in my tracks, looked me in the eye and told me I was beautiful.  Twice.  Insistently, and it shook me.  So much that I even omitted that detail from my loveseat post because I didn't know how to address it-- I suck at receiving compliments, but I am getting better.

Then on Saturday I attended the 60th birthday party of a good childhood friend's mother, and so much of my old neighborhood crew was there.  At one point in the night, the brother of my friend (whom I have known since I was two) sat next to me and engaged me in a conversation I didn't expect.  He too told me I was beautiful and that my beauty had faded immensely during some of rougher trials in my life, that I had shut myself away, locked myself up inside and away from people.  The culmination of all of this though is that he's seen me emerge from that in recent years, a little more over time-- that I am open again.  It's taken almost 5 years, but I am.

Heavy stuff for a blog post, I know.  But that is the only kind of blog I want to write, one where words flow from my heart even if they are messy.  And they are.

Last Wednesday I, myself, realized that I am beautiful.  It was a strange, unexpected thing, but resulted in a jolt of joyful confidence, something I have not felt for a long time.  The friend who was with me in that moment, knows me well enough to remark that she had never seen me that way.  That it was good, and weirdly I agree. :)

Strange how feeling something so strongly and bodily, can make it real.  I prayed that night that I would never forget what that feels like, and that I'd allow myself to feel it more regularly. Confidence but out of purity, not vanity.

Something I doubted existed.

Details

{dress} - never produced sample, Mata Traders

{jacket} - vintage 40's, Knee Deep Vintage

{boots} - highschool remnant, Puma

{tights} - ModCloth

Automobiles

I received this wonderful vintage 50's automobile print skirt as a Christmas gift (I'll admit, it's one I specifically asked for) and I'm so thrilled with it!  Not only is the print wonderful and the color versatile, but it's actually very warm in the cold weather.

It's quite strange that Christmas is over, and 2014 is quickly approaching but I'm actually pretty excited about it!  If I've learned anything in the past couple of years, it's that life only becomes more interesting as time goes.  I don't generally put much stock in New Year's resolutions but I actually think I might lay some down this year, out of anticipation for what lies ahead.  Goodness, there is so much already!  I'm starting the shoemaking apprenticeship in January, going to be an Aunt in June, and hoping to be certified to teach and facilitate the Enneagram by this time next year.  Truly, what excites me even more than those things are the details God has yet to reveal!  Years ago I never would have felt that way about the unknown, it's funny how things change. :)

Details

{sweater} - vintage 50's, thrifted

{leather jacket} - gift, Michael Kors

{skirt} - vintage 50's, gift via Kitty Girl Vintage

{tights} - ModCloth

{boots} - Fiorentini & Baker

{necklace} - Mata Traders

Sumac + Understanding

 

The recent snow has put a bit of Holiday Spirit in my step, but leading up to Thanksgiving I'm not as excited as I would hope to be.  I love my family but often feel that they don't understand me, or even desire to.  I want to be myself around them, but I've learned over time that many of my personality traits are not desirable in my family culture.  That's painful, but I am trying to keep perspective.  I often feel left out, dismissed, written off, or inconsequential.  That doesn't mean those things are true.

Today I will try to approach my family with a clear head, allow the Holy Spirit to guide my steps, show me what is true, and how I can understand them.  I know someone (?) wise said that to be understood, we must first seek to understand.

Today will be a day of prayer and seeking to understand.

Details

{dress} - Modcloth

{shirt} - T.J. Maxx

{tights} - Target

{boots} - Fiorentini & Baker

{mittens} - ?

{necklace} - Mata Traders

Last White Door

This is the last post I'll be making from this now familiar white door. 

Oh what a humble surprise it was when I first started shooting here-- it bored me to death, but shocked me by becoming more charming by the day.  The first day the vine bloomed I think I did a double take.  Quite funny really, this dull and dirty doorstep becoming lovely and special over time.  It feels so kindred to my story.

Well played God, I see what you did there.

For the record, my new home has a green door. :)

-----

{dress} - vintage 70's, Mother's

{sweater} - Obey

{tights} - Target

{shoes} - handmade by me

{necklace} - Mata Traders
{umbrella} - vintage, thrifted

Rust + Mint

My recent season of newness, color and growth is about to transition yet again.  It's a good thing I'm comfortable with change!

Specifically, my internship with the wonderful people at Mata Traders is about to come to an end-- so bittersweet, that.  In the three short months that I've been there, I have seen and learned so many new things, and proven my own capability (to myself) in more than one area. It's also been so cool getting to know the individuals whom I've worked alongside, the entire team at Mata is comprised of kind-hearted, fun and genuine people.

I'm also moving in...less than a week! It's not very far away, but I'm so excited because the apartment is in a tiny green Victorian house, very close to friends, the train and one of my favorite coffee shops.  Cheers to that!

{dress} - Mata Traders

{rust sweater} - Obey

{mint coat} - J.Crew

{knit tights} - Target

{boots} - Steve Madden

{necklace} -  Seven Finches

Red Meets Blue

Today was a new meets old, blue meets red kind of day.

{blue dress} - Mata Traders

{red cashmere sweater} - vintage 50's, thrifted

{wrist watch} - vintage, thrifted

{ruffle flats} - ?

Backroads

I've been working Admin. part time now for only a little over a month and though I enjoy it, I'm so glad I have two days a week off to work on my shop, create and have little adventures-- today was no exception!

My Mom and I often work very different schedules, but every now and then we get an afternoon to catch up.  Today we did so with one of our favorite past times, a drive and a walk w/ our dogs at one of the local forest preserves.  I tend to think of the area we were in today as the back-roads of suburbia; long winding roads with one lane going each way, twisting through farm fields, forests and wetlands.  *sigh* and what a beautiful, sunny day it was!  I do believe spring is well and truly here!

Details

{Dress} Mata Traders - this is an amazing fair trade brand, check them out! :)

{Shoes} Lulu's

{Lace Slip} Vintage, thrifted

{Necklace} Vintage, antique market

{Ring} Vintage, Mom's