Contentment + Change

Last night the sky opened up and dropped layers of white into my March 13th. Something about the cozy brightness of it this morning, awakened a section of my brain that's been sleeping lately-- the part that writes.

The current season that I am in has been one of the shortest in recent memory, one of those periods of time with a marked end date.  And new beginning.  It's been a remarkable season, both of dreams and challenges, and gained perspective that I didn't expect.  Lately I have been making lists, checking spreadsheets, planning, traveling, unpacking, writing checks, packing, generally dropping balls, and not really living life the peace-filled way that I love to.

I know that this season of excitement and activity, leads to a season of peace and building, but I am not there yet.  So this morning the white-blanketed landscape drew me in, and told me to rest, unpack and frame the memories that I have been sprinting past in this season, that are truly worth documenting.

First, going from a seven year single streak to being engaged within five months of meeting, has been amazing!  Hear me when I say that I know that's not for everyone, but that it was specifically designed for my heart by God.  This has given me a great deal of perspective, both for those single (regardless of age or season) and those who are married.  I used to understand almost nothing about "coupledom", living totally in a world of dinner with my lady friends and trying to figure out what work God had for me here on earth.  In truth, I probably was a little insensitive to married people, out of sheer ignorance.  How glad I am, though, that I am bringing my single experience into my married life! That I'll have fully experienced both.  Perhaps we (in our culture and in the Church) don't do the best job of valuing that single season before marital intimacy, but I cannot underscore it enough.

If both Jon and I had not been single for a good chunk of time before meeting each other, I'm not sure it would have worked-- and even if it had, we would have both been less health-seeking individuals who would have hurt each other more. There are so many things that I have learned about myself, and ways in which God has grown my character these last seven years, that would have been much harder to learn within the context of marriage. Singleness, while lonely feeling at times, is the most effective environment for building a foundation of emotional and spiritual health, in my opinion-- you can't point fingers, or blame anyone but yourself. In singleness, we are forced to look at ourselves.  This song comes to mind. ;)

When both people have been through this, even to the point of surrendering entitlement to a spouse, the growth and submission to Christ that happens is beautiful.  Because this is the nature of the relationship I am in, even seven months in, both Jon and I are completely overwhelmed by how good God was to plan this the way he did.  Because we both were forced to develop positive autonomy that led to self awareness, we appreciate the mutual support, encouragement, challenge and insight of our love that much more.  We don't need to be completed, but our partnership makes us both better-- in our hearts, in our work and in our relationships with others.

My current challenge (because there always is one) is in saying goodbye to some really great things at the end of May.  When we gain, there is always loss involved.  I only wish that this season allowed more time in a given week to process those things-- less other responsibilities vying for my attention.  Time to savor the amazing female friendships I have enjoyed here over the past seven years (including with my Mom!), to let those people know fully how much I value and want to continue my friendships with them.  Finding the balance between my excitement for my future with Jon in a new city, and full expression of how much I will miss my sweet community here, is hard.  All wonderful things, but you just can't have everything.

All in all, I count myself ridiculously blessed.  If anything, that seems to be the theme of this season: contentment. 

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4:11-13

2017 Calling

And it is, isn't it?  

2017 is calling each of us to be who we are supposed to be, in the right place at the right time.  If that thought produces anxiety in your heart, I have good news for you: 

Rightly timed things, happening in the rightest of places can only occur when we let go.

If you, like me, have learned this the hard way, you know that the precious time and pride that's lost in the process of resisting surrender is not worth it.  This generally involves resisting your purpose or the circumstances of life because maybe they are terrifying, boring, or seemingly nonsensical.  "That's not really what I had planned." is the basic thought that goes through our self absorbed minds when faced with things that we would rather not engage with.  

Isn't it funny that people who believe in God seem to forget that they/we are merely the created, not the Creator? Within the very concept of God, is the assumed notion that he knows everything and we don't.  And yet, we live with the entitled notion that we know what is best for us.  How much smarter would it be to allow the Creator of Everything to steer our ships, with all of the infinite insight that we believe he has.  Can you imagine the Peace that would bring?

Be it medical news that you never expected, engaging kindly with a person you dislike, or feeling prompted to put yourself out there in vulnerability, we are all faced with moments that are challenging.  When we are challenged by life, we can either resist or surrender.  In recent years, I've had to go to bat repeatedly with my areas of resistance-- things that God has asked me to surrender him, that have been hard.  So hard, that often my response has been a conditioned, fear-based Deer in Headlights moment.  It seems that depending on our wiring and life experiences, there are two possible kinds of resistance to surrender: avoidance and control.  I think our options when it comes to challenge in life, look something like this:

Whichever response you are currently dealing with, avoiding the challenge in your life or attempting to control it, I truly believe the best thing we can do is to surrender to life. For me, that means surrendering to the plans of a God who sees so much further down the road than I ever could-- a God who uses that knowledge for good.


So what does this have to do with calling and purpose?  The greatest callings and adventures in this life, lay just beyond challenge.  Great minds have told us as much all throughout history, that "nothing easy is worth doing", or that  "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I? I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."  In order to answer the calling God has placed on our lives, then we must make friends with surrender, and become comfortable with choosing it in the face of challenge.

There is, of course, much more to living a life of calling. This, though, is (I believe) the first step to truly unlocking and embracing our individual purpose. :)

The other steps, I'm still figuring out.  Haha.

Happy Interruptions

The sun woke me up this morning, and for the first time in a while, it held both light and warmth. After a satisfyingly resourceful breakfast, and truly abandoning tights for spring air, I tra-la-la-ed to my workspace all set to take in the sea of Siberian Squill that are blooming outside my workspace door!  I even planned to title today's post "True Blue Content-mint".  For real, that's what a cheeseball, joyful mood I was in.

Yep, I said was.

In hindsight, I'm glad my happy gait was interrupted.  Not because cheesy joy is bad (far from it, this girl needs to allow herself more), but because the realization that stalled mine was worthwhile.

Not long after my arrival, I went to check an Instagram notification only to see a new post by an inspiring person that I follow-- the post, and the little face pictured in it, were beautiful and heartbreaking.  Joy-giving and convicting.  Inspiring and frustrating, because I feel stuck where I am, and long for opportunities to walk alongside hurting people.  

The picture was of a little girl named Angali, at a school in Bangladesh-- brilliant, full of life, but held down by the socioeconomic plights of her reality.  The post went on to express the true, true thought that our belongings and money are really not our own, and that they exist merely to meet our needs and to overflow into those who are without.

It's reminders like these that help clear the fluff from my vision.  I war with myself on a pretty regular basis about my existence and involvement in the complacency of our culture. Day in and day out I'm shocked to see people around me content in (and distracted by) a life of the corporate rat race, entertainment and good food.  I love fresh produce and a mean burrito like the next person, but I've reached a point in my life where my hunger is really for purpose-- for these hands of mine to do work that lasts, and the only things that do are the hearts of people.

These thoughts have been ever before me lately, and with them opportunities to go.  It's unclear yet where I'll end up, but I have such peace in the process, and confidence that the Father will show me when it's time.  Australia, California, Colorado, or here in Chicago-- I'm praying over these places at the moment, and being as present as I can be where I am. 

I think that's the biggest challenge, at times: to know that whatever work we are currently doing (even if it feels not 110% full of purpose), that it does not go to waste if we do it in love.

Action > Escape

In many ways this winter has been a walk in the park, but I am still hankering for true, sunny-day-blooming-flowers-no-jacket Springtime.  Warm spurts have come and gone, settling mostly on a middle ground of gray drizzle, like today.

My head has been a little in a gray drizzle lately, as well.  

I suppose that glum feeling is really in reaction to a deep restlessness that I feel-- a desire to do something meaningful, but not hearing clear direction from God on what that might be.  Because of that, I've had moments of wanting to throw my hands up, and everything to the wind.  Moments where I kind of just want to raise my hand to every organization I know, and offer myself to be sent somewhere (anywhere) where I can use my hands and effort to do something of value in the grand scheme of things.

And as exciting and freeing as that sounds, I think I've also realized that (for me) it would be running away.

From what?  From the creative knot here in reality that I have to work through, from actually figuring out how best to use the gifts God has given me.  The idea seems like an experiential escape from specific opportunities that utilize my gifts, that I'm sick and tired of waiting on (though I think God might be asking me to).  Sometimes, it's easier and so much more fun to go off exploring instead.

Now, I'm not saying that if I chose to fly off the handle and go work for an organization in Costa Rica, or Afghanistan, that that would be a wrong choice.  It's not.  I'm a firm believer in the truth that God gave us free will for a reason, that he's overjoyed to use whatever we do within his will.  By that, I mean that it doesn't involve living in sin, and centers around our love for him and others.  Apart from that, I do believe the call on our lives is simply this: go do what you love, what lights you up and what builds other people up and points them to the love of God.

So we're left with a heck ton of options, overwhelming as that is.

Ha, so I guess I still might throw it all to the wind and board a plane soon.  So many variables change every day, even the awareness of the ability to choose literally anything right now, is weighty-- and also very light, for all it takes is a step, a yes, an ask. There many not be another season in my life like this one, and while I desperately want to choose wisely, that preoccupation often robs me of... (wait for it. Yep:) action.

My life always comes back to that, doesn't it?  Just DO something, even if it fails.  Unfortunately Escape and Action can look a lot alike, I suppose that's the distinction that matters.

Details

{top} - thrifted

{tights} - Target

{skirt} - vintage 70's, inherited

{sweater} - vintage 50's, thrifted

{necklace} - vintage 40's, inherited

{heels} - Chelsea Crew via ModCloth

A Single Misconception

It's peculiar to me that I've never written here about my singleness. It's been part of my experience for the last six years, and has shaped me greatly. Honestly, I write about my singleness often, in private. But to bare that very broken part of myself, even in a semi-public way, is scary. 

I'm writing now because people around me have increasingly begun to assume that I don't desire a counterpart, and nothing could be further from the truth. My closest friends know my entire being longs for the right man in my life, but that I also struggle with shame over the very same desire. Which of course sends the message that I’m not interested in dating at all.  

Self-sabotage might be my middle name, but I wasn’t simply born that way. 

My 21st birthday came at the close of the seven year, darkest season of my life, including two abusive relationships. I entered a time of intentional singleness to re-center my life, and for three years, that was healing and good-- time God used to draw me close to him, and into close friendships with other women. My heart healed a lot in that time, but at 24 years old, I began to realize that I no longer had a reason to be single on purpose. 

Still, I was hesitant to date again. 

From 24 to 26 I often joked that I was "unintentionally single", and I was. The times that I was attracted to a specific person, fear of appearing too needy froze me in my tracks, causing me to close off entirely. This experience (time and time again) was like autopilot, feelings of chemistry triggering shame, fear and avoidance-- leaving me only to kick myself an hour later, wondering how I could become so paralyzed. At the core, the one thing that I did not want was to be that woman who finds her identity in romantic relationships; fear of repeating my past, really. I wanted to stand up in who God created me to be, as an individual, and I did. But in doing so, I also hid. Out of shame of being too much, and from opening myself up to rejection and hurt again.

I desire relational intimacy (platonic and non) more than anything on earth, and I always have. But somewhere along the line (including the aforementioned relationships), I was told in word and action, that this desire was silly, overbearing, or demanding. So I ran to the other end of the spectrum. My walls went up, not to keep others out, but to keep myself from desiring relationship with them-- because I'd learned that that was too much to ask.

I think the truth is this: at a young age, we openly ask for whatever it is that we most desire or need in life. As we grow, we often experience rejection, and wonder if our desire/need is too much, or not okay. This sometimes causes us to clam up. We hide that need, and we overcompensate, essentially trying to convince ourselves we don't want that thing we (really do) most want. That’s where I’m at in my desire for a counterpart. Allowing myself to feel romantic interest to the full extent that my heart really does, without feeling shame over that, because God has clearly sown it into me. What that essential need is for people varies, I'm sure, whether it's social involvement, to be heard, intellectual expression, security, intimate relationship (like me) or any number of other things.

So this is new: Talking about my current state of singleness, and the fact that, no, I'm not really fine with it. I'm actually pretty torn up over it and waste lots of notebook paper and thought on it. I've come a long way from the 18 year old who saw her value in relationships with men. Or from the 21-year old that could not even make eye contact with men she didn't know, much less speak to them coherently. My heart has healed immensely. 

I do desire to be married and have a family one of these days, and the more I acknowledge that, and step out in action, the less I feel shame associated with the desire. Dates have happened (much to the shock of my friends and family), self observation continues, and my trust is placed fully in the hands of my Creator. I may be single still for a few months, for a few years, or for the rest of my life-- but funny enough, because of my experience, I know I’ll be content as long as I can acknowledge the desire in my heart.  Yes, even if I never find him. I've found that contentment isn't about "getting what we desire", or willing ourselves to not need-- it's about being real about the struggle, and finding peace in it.

Truly, if a writer does not write about romantic relationships, there is most likely far too much to say. This is, at least, a start. ;)

The Threshold

The Fall has been beautiful this year, full of sunshine, new beginnings and circles made full. The pursuit of Action has continued (to some extent, I'm sure it always will for me) and with it have come both beautiful moments of flight, and crash landings. But even the crashes I've walked away from, and surviving somehow makes you realize that risk is very very worth it.

I've shut doors on myself for years, so that others could not close them on me. Yet all this time, God has been waiting to send people and callings and ideas through those doors to me. The past couple of years I started to realize this, and stopped closing doors on myself. 

Still, it was all I could do to stand before an open door and wait-- I could never cross the threshold. Paralyzed by shame and fear of rejection, I'd stand there and half make awkward eye contact with those people, ideas and callings...until they couldn't wait on the other side any longer. Self sabotage at it's best.

I've walked through plenty of doorways in my adult life, some even at a full and decisive run. Certain kinds of doorways are harder than others though.

At the end of August, I made a very formal decision to step fully into Action-- the simplicity of which, I don't think I had ever realized before (Love Does was the key for me, in case you are curious). My first timid steps through one of my more difficult doorways (completely laying myself open to vocational, creative and intellectual rejection) was overwhelmingly blessed by the end of the same day. God is so like that though, once we can lean fully into him (caring not for our fears, or selves) he can usher us in to the amazing plans he has for us-- plans that will delight our hearts, and put our hands to joyful work. We just have to run through the door! Don't measure it, don't check the time, just engage.

My steps through the more challenging doorways have grown more excited, more peace filled, even if some still give me pause. I guess I've realized that trusting humans means first trusting God-- that whatever they do, for good or evil, he can use or redeem. 

Details

{thermal} - thrifted

{wool skirt} - vintage 40's, via Comet Vintage

{shoes} - vintage 70's, thrifted

{bracelet} - gift

Timing + Balance

Lately (okay, forever) I have been thinking about the way things sometimes fall apart, and other times, fall together. 

Why he never spoke words, why I never asked for them, and why we ended up both confused. That, or how in the world I came down with a nasty case of poison ivy the day after being cast as a lead in a musical and renting a new workspace-- having to wait two weeks to do a thing with either. Lots of other things too, some on the positive side of that spectrum, like how I rented a house that just happened to have my favorite flower vining it's way up the front door, having just enough financial resources in a time of dire need, or randomly running into a good friend in a sea of people.

Both beautiful and tragic happenings, that can only be chalked up to this thing I have mixed feelings about: timing. Some people say it's everything, but lately I've kind of just felt like shaking it by the scruff of it's neck-- which, from experience, I know is like kicking a bee hive. The times in my life that I've felt the most free, have occurred when I've done the opposite: release all care or attempted control, and simply ride the wave. I've been able to find the peace that comes from knowing that, whatever the outcome of the timing in my life, it is with purpose and designed by a God who loves me.  Even poison ivy. Even mortality, and pain. Even seven formative years trapped in sleep.

The longer I live, the more I am pleasantly surprised when I choose to roll with the punches-- for you really must, to get to what's real. <---- Yes, enjoy that over-philosophizing of 80's rock lyrics.

In other news: I've finally been able to set up my work space this week, and despite being held back by bronchitis (apparently my body was just not ready to defend itself yet, after the poison ivy), I am so excited to resume work on my canvas goods! The whole 3 and a half week ordeal has left me desperate for action in a way I've never felt, which I think is somewhat the point God is making: I should always take full advantage of each day, opportunity, or experience because I could be benched at any moment.

It's strange to feel so run down and so blessed at the same time, but I do. If you've read here long at all, you'll know that I love juxtaposition-- I think I'm beginning to realize that the heart of that is really balance.

{twenty seven}

Life has felt so vivid and real lately. Maybe it's having three different birthday celebrations spread over one week, or perhaps it's the recent progress and clarity of vision I've experienced in the last couple of weeks.  Things are moving, sliding into place, and it is good. God, you are always so, so good.

When I use the words above to describe my recent life, I do not mean easy or simple or obvious.  I mean full of energy, action and life, which often means things are even more uncertain or risky. I've realized that's almost required for success and fullness of life, to step out in the line of fire.

I've been doing a good deal of that recently, so on Wednesday when I turned 27, I took to one of my favorite forested spots for a reminder of God's bigness-- that when I step into the line of fire, it's in his arms and not on my own merit (thank goodness).  Is there really anything like nature to put the size of our Creator into perspective?

{details}

Dress - handmade by Alfie Ruth

Lace Top - Everly via Modcloth

Necklace - handmade by Seven Finches

Sandals - Seychelles via Modcloth

Spring

Because, as usual, it's been too long. :)

And more adventures to come, that I can always be sure of.

I read a simple expression just now that dissolved the smidgen of tension that I unknowingly had between my shoulders: "Let things happen". Isn't is funny (and whenever I say that, I really mean peculiar) that such few words could make such sense, and remind me of the faithful, freedom-giving ways of God?

So often I think we are (or at least I am) afraid to take risks, and just engage with what comes our way. There's this expectation our society has that we need to be safe and responsible to our means, but I'm now reminded that I'm actually responsible to God's means-- what he can provide from me, not what I can provide for me! 

Living our lives like our own means determine what is possible, is a shortsighted power trip. Not only is it giving ourselves way too much credit (and responsibility), it allows us only to be, do, or become what is within our human scope of reason.

Not me, friends. I would so much rather stand up in the power and ability of my Maker, surrendering self sufficiency, but also embracing the resources of the creator of the universe. 

I'm sure I'll need to return to this post in the coming months and years, to be reminded of this-- but I suppose that's exactly why I write.

Lately 11-14

Lately I have almost lost track of time. I've visited familiar mountains, aspen trees, elk (and mule deer that were not elk).

Though I've spaced a bit, change has continued to flow around and through me-- namely autumn.

I've spent quite a bit of time, and shared laughter and tears with this bright eyed fellow. I love him quite thoroughly!

I've been imagining and painting, but still do the former much more than the latter.

I am still not done with my oxfords (only going once a week slows things down), but hope to be soon. I think I've dreamed about putting them on my feet for the first time!

^Don't worry, the lilac is the lining. ;)

I have been unfocused lately, but inspired, and on my way to finding the order I know I need. I think deciding how and where to use our gifts (even just for now) is one of the hardest decisions we humans face. I'm hoping to end that seasonal struggle soon, or at least take steps forward.