Note To Self

I just came across one of my journal entries from January, that proclaimed this to be the year (for me) of Sharing.  This morning when I read that, and my thoughts around it, I felt so frustrated with myself-- basically because I've not done a great job of focusing on that ideal, and the year is almost halfway over!

Perhaps I'm also feeling frustrated for a myriad of other reasons (read: I am), but I thought I should address that goal here to keep myself a bit more accountable to it.  As I've chronicled here at least a handful of times, I am not great at sharing certain parts of myself with the world around me.  Don't get me wrong, I'm the first to share my areas of suffering one on one or in a small group, or to be honest about my shortcomings, but I am decidedly challenged at sharing my gifts.  Heck, I'm bad at even letting them out into the light at all.  Over the past few years, I have identified, called out and tried to zero in on this problem, and little by little I have started to make progress.

There was that musical that I forced myself to audition for, times that I've given artwork as gifts, and even deciding to design all of the paper goods for my wedding in May (I'll definitely do a post on that after the fact!) I used to even stop myself from simply humming/singing softly to myself in the presence of other people-- sounds silly, but it was mostly for the fear that someone would think I was trying to get attention.  I've allowed myself to be crippled by those fears and lies in more areas than I'd like to admit, but I've found that putting myself out there to be so beneficial!

But for the past six months or so, I've grown a little lax in that area of growth.  Perhaps it's because I've been a little distracted by the mountain of responsibilities that I've gained in several areas over that time, or by the ins and outs of maintaining a long distance engagement-- but whatever the reason, I am so glad that I stumbled on that January journal entry again, so that I could read my own words.

There is such power in reading our own words. 

It's very much like recovering a Note To Self-- you know, "remember to wear sunscreen", or in my case "please remember what a shame and waste it is to hide".  And so, I have been reminded by the wisdom of my January self, that God is calling me to grow better at sharing in this season: my gifts, my ideas, my passions, and to do so without holding back.

Ha, and so I am here, sharing. ;)

D e t a i l s

{dress} - Dee & Ray, thrifted via Poshmark

{shirt} - J.Crew, thrifted via Goodwill

{necklace} - handmade, Seven Finches

{coat} - vintage, Novel Nellie

{boots} - Frye

Action > Escape

In many ways this winter has been a walk in the park, but I am still hankering for true, sunny-day-blooming-flowers-no-jacket Springtime.  Warm spurts have come and gone, settling mostly on a middle ground of gray drizzle, like today.

My head has been a little in a gray drizzle lately, as well.  

I suppose that glum feeling is really in reaction to a deep restlessness that I feel-- a desire to do something meaningful, but not hearing clear direction from God on what that might be.  Because of that, I've had moments of wanting to throw my hands up, and everything to the wind.  Moments where I kind of just want to raise my hand to every organization I know, and offer myself to be sent somewhere (anywhere) where I can use my hands and effort to do something of value in the grand scheme of things.

And as exciting and freeing as that sounds, I think I've also realized that (for me) it would be running away.

From what?  From the creative knot here in reality that I have to work through, from actually figuring out how best to use the gifts God has given me.  The idea seems like an experiential escape from specific opportunities that utilize my gifts, that I'm sick and tired of waiting on (though I think God might be asking me to).  Sometimes, it's easier and so much more fun to go off exploring instead.

Now, I'm not saying that if I chose to fly off the handle and go work for an organization in Costa Rica, or Afghanistan, that that would be a wrong choice.  It's not.  I'm a firm believer in the truth that God gave us free will for a reason, that he's overjoyed to use whatever we do within his will.  By that, I mean that it doesn't involve living in sin, and centers around our love for him and others.  Apart from that, I do believe the call on our lives is simply this: go do what you love, what lights you up and what builds other people up and points them to the love of God.

So we're left with a heck ton of options, overwhelming as that is.

Ha, so I guess I still might throw it all to the wind and board a plane soon.  So many variables change every day, even the awareness of the ability to choose literally anything right now, is weighty-- and also very light, for all it takes is a step, a yes, an ask. There many not be another season in my life like this one, and while I desperately want to choose wisely, that preoccupation often robs me of... (wait for it. Yep:) action.

My life always comes back to that, doesn't it?  Just DO something, even if it fails.  Unfortunately Escape and Action can look a lot alike, I suppose that's the distinction that matters.

Details

{top} - thrifted

{tights} - Target

{skirt} - vintage 70's, inherited

{sweater} - vintage 50's, thrifted

{necklace} - vintage 40's, inherited

{heels} - Chelsea Crew via ModCloth