Spring

Because, as usual, it's been too long. :)

And more adventures to come, that I can always be sure of.

I read a simple expression just now that dissolved the smidgen of tension that I unknowingly had between my shoulders: "Let things happen". Isn't is funny (and whenever I say that, I really mean peculiar) that such few words could make such sense, and remind me of the faithful, freedom-giving ways of God?

So often I think we are (or at least I am) afraid to take risks, and just engage with what comes our way. There's this expectation our society has that we need to be safe and responsible to our means, but I'm now reminded that I'm actually responsible to God's means-- what he can provide from me, not what I can provide for me! 

Living our lives like our own means determine what is possible, is a shortsighted power trip. Not only is it giving ourselves way too much credit (and responsibility), it allows us only to be, do, or become what is within our human scope of reason.

Not me, friends. I would so much rather stand up in the power and ability of my Maker, surrendering self sufficiency, but also embracing the resources of the creator of the universe. 

I'm sure I'll need to return to this post in the coming months and years, to be reminded of this-- but I suppose that's exactly why I write.

Introspection and Thanks

This summer has been so strange, traveling at a snail's pace one moment and blurring past the next.  The last 5 or 6 days (seriously, it's already Wednesday!?) went by like light speed and I'm floundering a bit to process it all.  Even excitement and joy need to be sorted.

I thrive on rumination, introspection and processing my feelings and thoughts-- A pensive stance is home base for me, so when things happen rapidly in succession (though I enjoy it), I need the time to sort it all out within myself.  Which is perhaps why I write.

Big time praise is in order for #sandblast14 and the way God showed himself (as always) to be thoroughly trustworthy.  The weekend was equal parts wonderful and exhausting, lived alongside amazing and authentic individuals and feeling the Spirit move deeply. I walked in partially blind on Friday, but it's become increasingly clear since, how necessary the rock and hard place circumstances of the past few months of my life have been to the plans God had for Sandblast concerning me.  Which is why I say again, my favorite times of life are when I literally have no choice in the matter.  When options don't exist and straight ahead is all there is, at least I'm going the right way.

Usually, coming home from these things is somewhat hard because of the shocking disconnection from constant community.  This year, I found that not a problem at all!  Even my first day back was relationally and spiritually full-- coffee with a newer friend who understands my depths and later, dinner with a good friend who has helped me to laugh and pursue action in life.  I could not be more thankful for being right where I am.

Father, I can't praise, thank or worship you enough.  You've taken the broken shell of a girl I once was (and occasionally still am) and reformed her-- into me, the real, joyful, confident, vivid person you created me to be.  Sometimes I'm just completely awed by the amount of healing you have done in my heart, and the work you are allowing my hands to do.  So, so blessed.

Details

{top} - Thrifted

{skort} - vintage 60's, for sale at Curio!

{sandals} - Seychelles

Loosing Arrows

While some have been sensational enough to call our recent cooler temperatures the summer side of Snowmaggedon, I shrug and take the opportunity to sport cashmere-- seriously people, it's going to be 80 degrees again by the weekend.

This week has (so far) been full of small joys, things that will fade too quickly if I let them.  A sunny day walking around a new (to me) town with a friend.  Being given a free drink by a barista at my favorite coffee shop, for the second time and apparently just because.  Finding a 40's gown yesterday that is one of my favorite discoveries yet.  Beautiful sunsets, both captured and not.  It's little joys like these that remind me that God not only sees me and values me, but he delights greatly in me-- and I badly need that reminder this morning.

I'm headed out tomorrow morning to serve as a smallgroup leader at my church's summer youth camp, #Sandblast14.  A sea of 1,700 high school students, a handful of which I have the opportunity to walk alongside.  Right before events like these, Satan usually makes it his business to go for my jugular.  To throw me off or cause self doubt in my heart, to distract me from the words of my Father in a time when I'll need to share them with others.  Misunderstandings with friends that come out of left field, logistical issues, busy schedules and general confusion.  When this happens, I am so thankful for those little joyful moments that God put in my path.  Reminders for a rainy day (like today) when I need to remember that my Father sees me, prepares for me and never leaves my side.  They are arrows of truth designed to puncture lies and distraction.

Today I'm loosing arrows.

Details

{sweater} - vintage 60's, thrifted

{skirt} - vintage 70's from a closed Etsy shop

{shoes} - vintage 60's, thrifted

{necklace} - fair trade by Mata Traders

{bracelet} - gift

Stripe + Bloom

So much life and change of late-- I have cried both out of joy, and out of anguish.  I am overflowing with thankfulness these days, for the provision God has given me in every moment, for the challenges laid before me and for the doors He closes.  I'm so lacking in grace at times, in poise or tact, but the God I love holds and helps me anyway.  I don't think that will ever cease to beautifully boggle my mind.  Me, He loves me.

Summer has warmed to its height in my neck of the woods, even the fireflies have emerged.  July is here tomorrow and I have even yet to don a swimsuit at all this summer-- this is a problem.  Still, I am now officially an Aunt (yes, Gunnar made his debut on the 23rd!), I have finished the photography and interview portion of my Enneagram project, and life is good. Full, messy, vibrant, hard and good.

I am trying hard to be more about action (which I suck at) and to allow the jumble of my ideas to come fully to fruition through my hands.  Beauty occurs when I do, it's just the doing that's hard.  I have paintings to finish, words to write and a bookcase to paint, among other things.

Details

{striped tank} - T.J. Maxx

{lace tank} - Target

{skirt} - vintage 80's, via Manhattan Hippy

{necklace} - handmade by Seven Finches

{sandals} - Seychelles

Soft: Peices of Story

I have recently realized more than ever that it's okay to be soft, because truly I am.

I wear on my body every day, garments of softness, femininity and grace.  I'm beginning to wonder though, if my motives for that have perhaps been to find a balance-- an element to equalize the hard and silent way that I often automatically present myself to the world.

Growing up (in more ways than one) softness was not encouraged in my family culture, neighborhood or general reality.  Gentle figures were not respected, nor did they have control of their lives, so the small, blue-eyed girl that I was, watched and decided that softness was death.  But the young heart that beat in my chest was, as it is now, full of honest tenderness.  I cared deeply for people and animals alike, asking why that person was sad, or why that dog didn't have a home ("Mom, can we keep/help him please?").  

Some of my dearest and clearest childhood memories are of animal rescues, or hurting people. Led by my gentle Mother, we tended to a baby deer, a snapping turtle (yep), a baby crane, other birds and a couple of stray dogs.  One of the latter was a golden retriever that I spotted wandering our street and followed, only to discover that his paws were torn and bleeding, having run a long distance.  My family fostered the dog for a couple of days before he found a new home.  Around the same age (7 or 8 I believe), I had an encounter with a gypsy child while on a trip in Ireland, confused and distraught I implored my Father for money to put in his dirty, broken McDonald's cup.

The heart that God put inside me sang and wept in those moments.  Later in my life, though, I would desperately try to kill it-- first out of shame and then to survive the Cataplexy that crippled both my heart and body.

There is much more story there, but in the past few years my torn, neglected heart has thawed and revived tremendously!  God has allowed deep, infected wounds to heal, but re-training my brain to un-clench my heart is easier said than done.  I suppose I'm conditioned.

I'm quite well versed in the darker emotions-- bitterness, woe, wist, hurt, anger.  Learning to let myself feel soft things, however-- joy, humor, affection -- has been gradual and hard work but I've come a long way.  Oh the shell of a girl I once was!  Just last night, the church service I attended was on the loving-faithfulness (Hebrew: hesed) of God, and how we can remember and see it's reality in our lives.  Friends, my story is so freaking full of God's hesed!  Loyal to the end, even when I felt I was too far gone-- not so.  He has so redeemed and rescued my heart and will continue to.

-----

Photo credit to my lovely friend, miss Katie Dunbar.

Arrows

The grace I mentioned at the end of my last post is so desperately needed in this moment. 

I've been blessedly and painfully convicted tonight of a fatal flaw I've long battled with: my verbal tone. We all have things that we struggle to tame and grow out of, traits that have developed usually in response to hurt or injury sustained along the path we've traveled. Hurt people hurt people.

For a couple years now, I've naively believed I had the temperature of my voice under control.  No longer was I the snarky teenager who refused to be wrong and shot her syllables like arrows.  I had endured a large amount of humbling at the hands of life, a season I often describe as one in which every shred of self righteousness was "beaten out of me".  Morbid I know, but it illustrates the feeling perfectly.

Slowly the sounds that have left my mouth and shade my words have become sharp again. Gradually, like a slow bleed with no marked turning point. That sharpness has crept into my need to control, it's slithered into my jokes and even into my statements of concern or alarm, confusing and unintentionally inuring those I value. My words are not to blame, but rather the way I utter the sounds they are made of. Arrows indeed, and I'm just as bloody by them as my loved ones.

So here begins a new chapter (or perhaps a return to an earlier one) in which I breathe deeply, mourn and tend the wounds I have caused and decide to take my thoughts captive anew-- each day, moment and situation that I open my mouth.  Then sacrifice the shame within me as I allow the cleansing blood and grace of Christ to cover me (again, and not for the last time).

God, please keep making and growing me.

Cranberry Tart(an)

This skirt makes me feel my heritage (but puppy fur loves it).  

Mom is moved and settled, I officially have a new sister-in-law, I'm going to be the proud Aunt of a little boy (just found out the gender yesterday!) and I am now actually an apprentice shoemaker!

These are the current joys in my life though the seas have otherwise become stormy of late.  God is still good (always, He is) and has been teaching, molding and building me to be who He designed me to be.  Lately, my main comfort and prompt has been from Proverbs 4:25-27 which is an encouragement to keep my eyes straight ahead, to not be distracted from what is right in front of me.  Personally, that's a huge reminder to get out of my head, and to allow my concerns and cares to rest in the hands of my Creator.  We fret and try to control our existence, but all God ever calls us to deal with is the present.

Easier said than done, certainly.  Good thing I serve a God who has lavished grace on me!

-----

Details

{skirt} - vintage 70's, inherited

{thermal} - Free People

{hoodie} - ModCloth

{necklace} - gift from Dad

{tights} - ModCloth

{oxfords} - Julianne Hough

Settling In

I have been moved into my new abode for two weeks this coming Monday and it is good.  

This charming little place quite literally dropped into my lap-- like so many great, God-ordained things of late.  The bride of the recent wedding I worked on is actually the person I am subletting from.  It's funny, when I first expressed interest in the place I wasn't even actively looking to move, and knew nothing about the apartment-- except that I liked the location.  In the moment I even felt a little crazy-- haha, even people who love me thought I was a bit crazy.

But here I am, and I can feel God growing me through it already.  That's honestly not really been a good feeling either.  I've felt Spiritually attacked this week quite a bit, self doubt around why I made this move, realization of how much easier life would be if I hadn't. 

That's exactly the point though: the easy road never results in growth or depth. Thought part of me wishes my self development were over already, I fully realize how sad it would be for my human potential to cease at 25.  

Heck no, onward to more growth-- even if that makes me uncomfortable.

The Drawing Board

I'm back at it.  The drawing board, I mean.

I quit my admin job last week,  it was a rock + a hard place situation so I've felt a lot of peace and freedom since.  God really used the time I spent working in an office though, to open my eyes to how much I really could do with my shop and creative skills.  Pre-office job I was a bit complacent when it came to entrepreneurship-- I'm not taking it for granted anymore. 

I resigned on the 8th, since then I've been hit with this weird shock at actually having time to work on things I love again.  It's an awesome thing, but figuring out how to work successfully alone again is a challenge.  Having worked by a set schedule with specific tasks for awhile, I'm feeling kind of lost.  Self motivation and focus are key when working independently-- both of which are hard for me, especially working from home where distractions abound.  The dog, that book I've been reading, that dress I was going to hem, there's just no structure when your work space is in your living space.

I really prayed against  that this morning and am feeling a bit better as the day goes.  Keeping in mind (literally) that my God is bigger than any situation, and He's given me the power to make my thoughts captive to Christ.

This outfit was from Sunday, and it think it's the third time I've shown this skirt-- it was one of my Mom's closet staples in the 70's.  The other ways I wore it are here in 2012 and here in 2011.  Weird to think I've been blogging that long...?

Details

{skirt} - Mother's, vintage 70's

{lace tank} - worn underneath, Target

{floral/bird tank} - Kohl's

{necklace} - gift from Dad

{flats} - ?

Citrus Floral

It's been a little over a week since I last posted an I feel like so much has happened, mostly positive.  Sandblast was wonderful-- it's a camp for the high school kids at my church, but it was so spiritually nourishing for me as well.  I've realize lately how much my involvement in youth ministry keeps me on my toes, even just as a volunteer small group leader.  Through the teaching and worship of course, but also through the thoughts and questions that my small group girls express.

Maybe it has something to do with attending a month of sleep away camp every summer growing up, but I love the camp environment.  I'd seriously live that way if I could.  Funny enough, but I think Sandblast challenged me socially this year too-- I'm pretty standoff-ish and awkward in large group settings, but last weekend I surprised myself by being much more open and amiable.  I have no idea how that happened, but I've been praying for God to continue to thaw and sweep me up in His plans.

Ugh, there is so much more to speak of in the past week!  I'll have to save it for another post though, so this one doesn't become a novel. :)

This dress is one of my summer favorites, I wear it as much as possible (probably too much) in the warm months because I just haven't found it to be wearable in the Winter.  I'm generally not a fan of "fashion rules" about when and how things must be worn-- I wear most of my dresses year round, albeit styled differently for the current season.  This is not one of those dresses.  Come September, I'll pack it and a couple other "summer only" dresses away, and unpack my few "winter only" ones.

Hmm, though maybe if I had a rust hued pair of sweater tights...?  :)

{Dress} - vintage 60's, thrifted

{Bag} - vintage, shop stock

{Necklace} - gift from Mom

{Flats} - Modcloth

Stepping Stones

Maybe I'm unobservant for not realizing how beautiful these flowers near my front door would turn out to be, but woah!  It's funny that at the start of this blog, using my front door as a backdrop for outfits was a last resort.  I wanted on location and adventure-- still things I like, but how wonderful to see the seasonal progress in this humble little spot in my world.

Life has been interesting of late, full of unexpected ups and downs-- some exiting, some sad.  These pictures are from Sunday but things have just been too busy to post until now!  Lately God has been teaching me the value of building everything I do (not just myself) on His firm foundation.  One of the aforementioned recent changes is an internship I'll be starting in August with a company that I love!  It's a perfect example of something I feel strongly about giving to God.  After many years of being unsure of my future and feeling stuck, one by one God gave me a trail of stepping stones-- beginning small and seemingly random, growing larger as they went.  Some of those stones were not places I desired to be, but I trusted my God and endured until another door was opened for me.  This internship is a place I do desire to be!  It would be so easy for me to make it about myself and my own progress, and forget who led me here.  I want to be very intentional about that as I begin in a few weeks, planting my feet firmly on the Rock and being His hands and feet to those around me.  If you're interested in where the inspiration for these thoughts came from, check out Luke 6:46-49.

P.S.- This dress is shorts...right? Yep.

P.S.S - My henna tattoo is complete! I'll share it in my next post!

{Seersucker Romper/Dress} - 40's Vintage via Moxie

{Red Belt} - 50's Vintage thrifted

{Flats} - Modcloth

{Gold Lockett} - Grandmother's