Contentment + Change

Last night the sky opened up and dropped layers of white into my March 13th. Something about the cozy brightness of it this morning, awakened a section of my brain that's been sleeping lately-- the part that writes.

The current season that I am in has been one of the shortest in recent memory, one of those periods of time with a marked end date.  And new beginning.  It's been a remarkable season, both of dreams and challenges, and gained perspective that I didn't expect.  Lately I have been making lists, checking spreadsheets, planning, traveling, unpacking, writing checks, packing, generally dropping balls, and not really living life the peace-filled way that I love to.

I know that this season of excitement and activity, leads to a season of peace and building, but I am not there yet.  So this morning the white-blanketed landscape drew me in, and told me to rest, unpack and frame the memories that I have been sprinting past in this season, that are truly worth documenting.

First, going from a seven year single streak to being engaged within five months of meeting, has been amazing!  Hear me when I say that I know that's not for everyone, but that it was specifically designed for my heart by God.  This has given me a great deal of perspective, both for those single (regardless of age or season) and those who are married.  I used to understand almost nothing about "coupledom", living totally in a world of dinner with my lady friends and trying to figure out what work God had for me here on earth.  In truth, I probably was a little insensitive to married people, out of sheer ignorance.  How glad I am, though, that I am bringing my single experience into my married life! That I'll have fully experienced both.  Perhaps we (in our culture and in the Church) don't do the best job of valuing that single season before marital intimacy, but I cannot underscore it enough.

If both Jon and I had not been single for a good chunk of time before meeting each other, I'm not sure it would have worked-- and even if it had, we would have both been less health-seeking individuals who would have hurt each other more. There are so many things that I have learned about myself, and ways in which God has grown my character these last seven years, that would have been much harder to learn within the context of marriage. Singleness, while lonely feeling at times, is the most effective environment for building a foundation of emotional and spiritual health, in my opinion-- you can't point fingers, or blame anyone but yourself. In singleness, we are forced to look at ourselves.  This song comes to mind. ;)

When both people have been through this, even to the point of surrendering entitlement to a spouse, the growth and submission to Christ that happens is beautiful.  Because this is the nature of the relationship I am in, even seven months in, both Jon and I are completely overwhelmed by how good God was to plan this the way he did.  Because we both were forced to develop positive autonomy that led to self awareness, we appreciate the mutual support, encouragement, challenge and insight of our love that much more.  We don't need to be completed, but our partnership makes us both better-- in our hearts, in our work and in our relationships with others.

My current challenge (because there always is one) is in saying goodbye to some really great things at the end of May.  When we gain, there is always loss involved.  I only wish that this season allowed more time in a given week to process those things-- less other responsibilities vying for my attention.  Time to savor the amazing female friendships I have enjoyed here over the past seven years (including with my Mom!), to let those people know fully how much I value and want to continue my friendships with them.  Finding the balance between my excitement for my future with Jon in a new city, and full expression of how much I will miss my sweet community here, is hard.  All wonderful things, but you just can't have everything.

All in all, I count myself ridiculously blessed.  If anything, that seems to be the theme of this season: contentment. 

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4:11-13

Lately {March '16}

Lately I have been wrestling with myself. My purpose (or lack there of) and the many, many suffocating ideas in my head, all of the time. Will that ever resolve? Sometimes I don't know, it's been a theme in my life for as long as I can recall. From music + dance, to vintage style and teaching the Enneagram, there's just never enough bandwidth in my mind, it seems, to make steps forward-- it all just buries me. And believe it or not, those passion areas are the narrowed down (from about ten in total), prioritized three!

Aside from my introspective sparring, there has been some beautiful snow of late. ❄️

I got to return to one of my favorite buildings on Saturday afternoon, to see a musical that some friends were in. It's a Victorian (1889) opera house with the most beautiful decorative details, and rich history. I truly would love to own such a place one day, to run, to host events at, and to share with others.

I've been reading again, but gradually, as the pastime can be dangerously addictive for me.

Though it's ebbed and flowed, I'm still doing my vintage clothing thing, and finding new ways to share that with others.

I've realized of late, how fortunate I am to have so many lovely, interesting and good hearted people in my life-- those I pour my heart out to regularly, those I might see once a week, and those who's kindness, passion or kindred spirit bring them back to my mind from time to time. It's so easy to feel alone in our culture, in terms of deep understanding, but I'm reminded today of how truly blessed I am in that category. Friends near and far, new and old, close now or a season or two ago.  I'm still learning from and reflecting on each of those hearts, minds and the experiences I've shared with them. It's truly a wonder that I often forget or take for granted-- really, chances are that I'll be reading this post some rainy day, and be reminded anew.

I suppose that is the point. 😊

The Threshold

The Fall has been beautiful this year, full of sunshine, new beginnings and circles made full. The pursuit of Action has continued (to some extent, I'm sure it always will for me) and with it have come both beautiful moments of flight, and crash landings. But even the crashes I've walked away from, and surviving somehow makes you realize that risk is very very worth it.

I've shut doors on myself for years, so that others could not close them on me. Yet all this time, God has been waiting to send people and callings and ideas through those doors to me. The past couple of years I started to realize this, and stopped closing doors on myself. 

Still, it was all I could do to stand before an open door and wait-- I could never cross the threshold. Paralyzed by shame and fear of rejection, I'd stand there and half make awkward eye contact with those people, ideas and callings...until they couldn't wait on the other side any longer. Self sabotage at it's best.

I've walked through plenty of doorways in my adult life, some even at a full and decisive run. Certain kinds of doorways are harder than others though.

At the end of August, I made a very formal decision to step fully into Action-- the simplicity of which, I don't think I had ever realized before (Love Does was the key for me, in case you are curious). My first timid steps through one of my more difficult doorways (completely laying myself open to vocational, creative and intellectual rejection) was overwhelmingly blessed by the end of the same day. God is so like that though, once we can lean fully into him (caring not for our fears, or selves) he can usher us in to the amazing plans he has for us-- plans that will delight our hearts, and put our hands to joyful work. We just have to run through the door! Don't measure it, don't check the time, just engage.

My steps through the more challenging doorways have grown more excited, more peace filled, even if some still give me pause. I guess I've realized that trusting humans means first trusting God-- that whatever they do, for good or evil, he can use or redeem. 

Details

{thermal} - thrifted

{wool skirt} - vintage 40's, via Comet Vintage

{shoes} - vintage 70's, thrifted

{bracelet} - gift

Timing + Balance

Lately (okay, forever) I have been thinking about the way things sometimes fall apart, and other times, fall together. 

Why he never spoke words, why I never asked for them, and why we ended up both confused. That, or how in the world I came down with a nasty case of poison ivy the day after being cast as a lead in a musical and renting a new workspace-- having to wait two weeks to do a thing with either. Lots of other things too, some on the positive side of that spectrum, like how I rented a house that just happened to have my favorite flower vining it's way up the front door, having just enough financial resources in a time of dire need, or randomly running into a good friend in a sea of people.

Both beautiful and tragic happenings, that can only be chalked up to this thing I have mixed feelings about: timing. Some people say it's everything, but lately I've kind of just felt like shaking it by the scruff of it's neck-- which, from experience, I know is like kicking a bee hive. The times in my life that I've felt the most free, have occurred when I've done the opposite: release all care or attempted control, and simply ride the wave. I've been able to find the peace that comes from knowing that, whatever the outcome of the timing in my life, it is with purpose and designed by a God who loves me.  Even poison ivy. Even mortality, and pain. Even seven formative years trapped in sleep.

The longer I live, the more I am pleasantly surprised when I choose to roll with the punches-- for you really must, to get to what's real. <---- Yes, enjoy that over-philosophizing of 80's rock lyrics.

In other news: I've finally been able to set up my work space this week, and despite being held back by bronchitis (apparently my body was just not ready to defend itself yet, after the poison ivy), I am so excited to resume work on my canvas goods! The whole 3 and a half week ordeal has left me desperate for action in a way I've never felt, which I think is somewhat the point God is making: I should always take full advantage of each day, opportunity, or experience because I could be benched at any moment.

It's strange to feel so run down and so blessed at the same time, but I do. If you've read here long at all, you'll know that I love juxtaposition-- I think I'm beginning to realize that the heart of that is really balance.

Active Learning

These last couple months of summer have been full of life, in a way I'm just starting to adapt to-- active learning. I'm an introspective person, and for years my struggle has been to get out of the visionary realm of my mind + heart, and into my body + actions. To dial the phone number, write the email, make the ask, or express the idea has always been secondary for me. Processing ideas and understanding first, actions, plans and conversations later. 

I did a lot of growing in my early 20's, emotional and spiritual growth, learning how to become a "health focused", self observing individual, and at about 23 I hit that stride. Not a stride of perfection or ease, but a stride of endurance. In the four years since then, I've moved on to wrestle with something else entirely: vocational ownership. Though we may each encounter different areas of growth in different orders, at different times in life, I believe that we are always learning something new about how to function within ourselves, in relation to God, and in this world. We are works in progress, if we choose to progress at all.

From what I can tell, the secret to vocational ownership is a combination of self awareness and action. I think it's safe to say that people are usually strong in one of these areas and weak in the other, only achieving balance over time and hard knocks.  This summer I've seen the first fruits of that balance in so many ways, both exciting and scary (sometimes simultaneously). Repeatedly recently, I've jumped and God has caught me beautifully, and delighted so deeply in my heart each time.  Choosing to engage daily with both the things and people tangibly in front of me, but also with the thoughts and stirrings of my heart-- and respecting them enough to step out in action-- is no small thing. It's hard, but so so exhilarating!

May you also engage with what is hard for you-- there is simply nothing better. :)

{twenty seven}

Life has felt so vivid and real lately. Maybe it's having three different birthday celebrations spread over one week, or perhaps it's the recent progress and clarity of vision I've experienced in the last couple of weeks.  Things are moving, sliding into place, and it is good. God, you are always so, so good.

When I use the words above to describe my recent life, I do not mean easy or simple or obvious.  I mean full of energy, action and life, which often means things are even more uncertain or risky. I've realized that's almost required for success and fullness of life, to step out in the line of fire.

I've been doing a good deal of that recently, so on Wednesday when I turned 27, I took to one of my favorite forested spots for a reminder of God's bigness-- that when I step into the line of fire, it's in his arms and not on my own merit (thank goodness).  Is there really anything like nature to put the size of our Creator into perspective?

{details}

Dress - handmade by Alfie Ruth

Lace Top - Everly via Modcloth

Necklace - handmade by Seven Finches

Sandals - Seychelles via Modcloth

Spring

Because, as usual, it's been too long. :)

And more adventures to come, that I can always be sure of.

I read a simple expression just now that dissolved the smidgen of tension that I unknowingly had between my shoulders: "Let things happen". Isn't is funny (and whenever I say that, I really mean peculiar) that such few words could make such sense, and remind me of the faithful, freedom-giving ways of God?

So often I think we are (or at least I am) afraid to take risks, and just engage with what comes our way. There's this expectation our society has that we need to be safe and responsible to our means, but I'm now reminded that I'm actually responsible to God's means-- what he can provide from me, not what I can provide for me! 

Living our lives like our own means determine what is possible, is a shortsighted power trip. Not only is it giving ourselves way too much credit (and responsibility), it allows us only to be, do, or become what is within our human scope of reason.

Not me, friends. I would so much rather stand up in the power and ability of my Maker, surrendering self sufficiency, but also embracing the resources of the creator of the universe. 

I'm sure I'll need to return to this post in the coming months and years, to be reminded of this-- but I suppose that's exactly why I write.

For Good

Most of this winter has felt like keeping my head down to ride out the storm. It's not been all bad, but surely all intense-- both glowing moments and dark, but that leave me feeling parched emotionally.

It's funny how the most crucial times in life often feel the most nauseating while we are in them-- that is, before we know they are important.  We just. want. to be. done.  Or I do, at times. I'm hoping I'll look back at this vocationally confusing season of life, and appreciate my struggle for what it led to.

I'm not sure if I've talked much about my own story here, but to understand the present we must always take the past into account. We are all scarred and stunted, punctured and propelled in our own ways, ways that others might not guess.  

I slept 7 years of my life away, gripped in sleep's parasitic clutches, that gave my body no real rest.  I'm Narcoleptic. It feels strange not having mentioned it here before-- I even searched to make sure, and I haven't.  I've attempted plenty of times, draft after draft, but in the end my story seemed too big or messy to fully relay in one post.

Sidebar: Isn't that the lie we all believe?  That who we are, the pain we've felt, is just too much? Whatever our brand of suffering (I've become convinced that no two can be compared) we don't want to bare our hurt, or our old wounds to the world.  I've learned though, that if we can trust God with those things, the beauty he grows out of them will amaze and heal us (and others).

For the past 5 years (since I found a successful treatment for my disorder), my struggle has been figuring out how to live with a 7 year gap-- in my social, emotional and physical experiences.  How to move forward, and not let the bitterness that God has largely freed me from, to come creeping back up around my throat.  Because the truth is, that I missed a lot. A heck-ton of normal experiences that I sat on the bench and watched through a clouded haze of semi-consciousness.

Close friends (and people in general) grew distant in that time of my life, and I can't really blame them-- what I was going through was hard to understand. Cataplexy, a symptom that causes sudden loss of muscle tone as a reaction to emotion, robbed me clean of my joy and openess with others-- I couldn't laugh, get angry or embarrassed without my speech slurring, knees buckling, or full body collapse.  Not exactly an easy thing to explain to your teenage peers.  After even just a year of this (much less 7), I learned to disconnect, to stop feeling or interacting with anyone that might cause me to.  It's taken me years after successfully treating my Cataplexy to believe and trust that I could laugh, or allow myself to feel deeply again-- as I am particularly wired to do.  Thankfully, 5 years out though, I can say that I do. :)

Scars still remain, like they do with any trauma, both tangible and emotional. I didn't walk the expected academic road that our culture requires, or have the opportunity to develop my gifts in the safe, experimental environment of a school. I'm just now experiencing true, deep friendship (which I am so thankful for!) in my life. But if God can heal my heart (and he has), he can redeem my loss in this life, and even use my perspective and hurt to bring change and understanding.

I always think of Joseph when I think about my story, that he spent 11 years in slavery and God used him mightily-- surely my 7 lost years are redeemable too.  I do believe and have seen in my life, that he does use all things for our good.

Quality over Quantity

I've recently written (or started to write) posts and then ran out of time, or was unsatisfied with the result.  August has been a little rough that way so far, and I'm trying to remedy it.  There have been dozens of outfits this summer that I wish I'd documented-- not to flash them around, but to remember years from now, that I wore them.  I realize that might seem dumb to some people, but I almost see my style as similar to my artwork.  I keep my drawings and paintings because my growth as an artist is something I look back on even now, and will continue to in years to come. The same goes for the way I express and present myself to the world.  But yes, I've been failing to document that-- among other things.

Life has become, as I recently put it, more regimented and that's caused me to realize I'm spread thinner than I thought.  Okay, really-- I'm all over the freaking place right now. I've been studying the Enneagram with the intent to teach it eventually, and oh yeah-- I'm apprenticing with a shoemaker too.  I also just started nannying for my amazing baby nephew, Gunnar, two days a week!  If that wasn't enough, remember that vintage clothing gig?  Yeah, my shop, a business that I am solely responsible for.  Eeep, and that's not even all I have my hands in.  See what I'm seeing?  This girl is a little unfocused at the moment, and in that state there's just no quality to be had (in any of those areas).  What happened to my staunch "No" Person status?!

This afternoon I voiced these realizations to a friend and even expressed that I felt a little annoyed with God for giving me so many options-- though I realize, "God, how dare you give me so many gifts and oppertunities?", is a pretty idiotic thing to feel or think, much less actually type. *headdesk*  It was then that I realized (for the millionth time) that he just wants to bless what I choose.

So, really, I still have no idea.  Just thought I'd post that for the record. Or whatever.

'Till next time, when I have my act together (or not).