2017 Calling

And it is, isn't it?  

2017 is calling each of us to be who we are supposed to be, in the right place at the right time.  If that thought produces anxiety in your heart, I have good news for you: 

Rightly timed things, happening in the rightest of places can only occur when we let go.

If you, like me, have learned this the hard way, you know that the precious time and pride that's lost in the process of resisting surrender is not worth it.  This generally involves resisting your purpose or the circumstances of life because maybe they are terrifying, boring, or seemingly nonsensical.  "That's not really what I had planned." is the basic thought that goes through our self absorbed minds when faced with things that we would rather not engage with.  

Isn't it funny that people who believe in God seem to forget that they/we are merely the created, not the Creator? Within the very concept of God, is the assumed notion that he knows everything and we don't.  And yet, we live with the entitled notion that we know what is best for us.  How much smarter would it be to allow the Creator of Everything to steer our ships, with all of the infinite insight that we believe he has.  Can you imagine the Peace that would bring?

Be it medical news that you never expected, engaging kindly with a person you dislike, or feeling prompted to put yourself out there in vulnerability, we are all faced with moments that are challenging.  When we are challenged by life, we can either resist or surrender.  In recent years, I've had to go to bat repeatedly with my areas of resistance-- things that God has asked me to surrender him, that have been hard.  So hard, that often my response has been a conditioned, fear-based Deer in Headlights moment.  It seems that depending on our wiring and life experiences, there are two possible kinds of resistance to surrender: avoidance and control.  I think our options when it comes to challenge in life, look something like this:

Whichever response you are currently dealing with, avoiding the challenge in your life or attempting to control it, I truly believe the best thing we can do is to surrender to life. For me, that means surrendering to the plans of a God who sees so much further down the road than I ever could-- a God who uses that knowledge for good.


So what does this have to do with calling and purpose?  The greatest callings and adventures in this life, lay just beyond challenge.  Great minds have told us as much all throughout history, that "nothing easy is worth doing", or that  "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I? I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."  In order to answer the calling God has placed on our lives, then we must make friends with surrender, and become comfortable with choosing it in the face of challenge.

There is, of course, much more to living a life of calling. This, though, is (I believe) the first step to truly unlocking and embracing our individual purpose. :)

The other steps, I'm still figuring out.  Haha.

Happy Interruptions

The sun woke me up this morning, and for the first time in a while, it held both light and warmth. After a satisfyingly resourceful breakfast, and truly abandoning tights for spring air, I tra-la-la-ed to my workspace all set to take in the sea of Siberian Squill that are blooming outside my workspace door!  I even planned to title today's post "True Blue Content-mint".  For real, that's what a cheeseball, joyful mood I was in.

Yep, I said was.

In hindsight, I'm glad my happy gait was interrupted.  Not because cheesy joy is bad (far from it, this girl needs to allow herself more), but because the realization that stalled mine was worthwhile.

Not long after my arrival, I went to check an Instagram notification only to see a new post by an inspiring person that I follow-- the post, and the little face pictured in it, were beautiful and heartbreaking.  Joy-giving and convicting.  Inspiring and frustrating, because I feel stuck where I am, and long for opportunities to walk alongside hurting people.  

The picture was of a little girl named Angali, at a school in Bangladesh-- brilliant, full of life, but held down by the socioeconomic plights of her reality.  The post went on to express the true, true thought that our belongings and money are really not our own, and that they exist merely to meet our needs and to overflow into those who are without.

It's reminders like these that help clear the fluff from my vision.  I war with myself on a pretty regular basis about my existence and involvement in the complacency of our culture. Day in and day out I'm shocked to see people around me content in (and distracted by) a life of the corporate rat race, entertainment and good food.  I love fresh produce and a mean burrito like the next person, but I've reached a point in my life where my hunger is really for purpose-- for these hands of mine to do work that lasts, and the only things that do are the hearts of people.

These thoughts have been ever before me lately, and with them opportunities to go.  It's unclear yet where I'll end up, but I have such peace in the process, and confidence that the Father will show me when it's time.  Australia, California, Colorado, or here in Chicago-- I'm praying over these places at the moment, and being as present as I can be where I am. 

I think that's the biggest challenge, at times: to know that whatever work we are currently doing (even if it feels not 110% full of purpose), that it does not go to waste if we do it in love.

Action > Escape

In many ways this winter has been a walk in the park, but I am still hankering for true, sunny-day-blooming-flowers-no-jacket Springtime.  Warm spurts have come and gone, settling mostly on a middle ground of gray drizzle, like today.

My head has been a little in a gray drizzle lately, as well.  

I suppose that glum feeling is really in reaction to a deep restlessness that I feel-- a desire to do something meaningful, but not hearing clear direction from God on what that might be.  Because of that, I've had moments of wanting to throw my hands up, and everything to the wind.  Moments where I kind of just want to raise my hand to every organization I know, and offer myself to be sent somewhere (anywhere) where I can use my hands and effort to do something of value in the grand scheme of things.

And as exciting and freeing as that sounds, I think I've also realized that (for me) it would be running away.

From what?  From the creative knot here in reality that I have to work through, from actually figuring out how best to use the gifts God has given me.  The idea seems like an experiential escape from specific opportunities that utilize my gifts, that I'm sick and tired of waiting on (though I think God might be asking me to).  Sometimes, it's easier and so much more fun to go off exploring instead.

Now, I'm not saying that if I chose to fly off the handle and go work for an organization in Costa Rica, or Afghanistan, that that would be a wrong choice.  It's not.  I'm a firm believer in the truth that God gave us free will for a reason, that he's overjoyed to use whatever we do within his will.  By that, I mean that it doesn't involve living in sin, and centers around our love for him and others.  Apart from that, I do believe the call on our lives is simply this: go do what you love, what lights you up and what builds other people up and points them to the love of God.

So we're left with a heck ton of options, overwhelming as that is.

Ha, so I guess I still might throw it all to the wind and board a plane soon.  So many variables change every day, even the awareness of the ability to choose literally anything right now, is weighty-- and also very light, for all it takes is a step, a yes, an ask. There many not be another season in my life like this one, and while I desperately want to choose wisely, that preoccupation often robs me of... (wait for it. Yep:) action.

My life always comes back to that, doesn't it?  Just DO something, even if it fails.  Unfortunately Escape and Action can look a lot alike, I suppose that's the distinction that matters.

Details

{top} - thrifted

{tights} - Target

{skirt} - vintage 70's, inherited

{sweater} - vintage 50's, thrifted

{necklace} - vintage 40's, inherited

{heels} - Chelsea Crew via ModCloth

Lately 11-14

Lately I have almost lost track of time. I've visited familiar mountains, aspen trees, elk (and mule deer that were not elk).

Though I've spaced a bit, change has continued to flow around and through me-- namely autumn.

I've spent quite a bit of time, and shared laughter and tears with this bright eyed fellow. I love him quite thoroughly!

I've been imagining and painting, but still do the former much more than the latter.

I am still not done with my oxfords (only going once a week slows things down), but hope to be soon. I think I've dreamed about putting them on my feet for the first time!

^Don't worry, the lilac is the lining. ;)

I have been unfocused lately, but inspired, and on my way to finding the order I know I need. I think deciding how and where to use our gifts (even just for now) is one of the hardest decisions we humans face. I'm hoping to end that seasonal struggle soon, or at least take steps forward.

Arrows

The grace I mentioned at the end of my last post is so desperately needed in this moment. 

I've been blessedly and painfully convicted tonight of a fatal flaw I've long battled with: my verbal tone. We all have things that we struggle to tame and grow out of, traits that have developed usually in response to hurt or injury sustained along the path we've traveled. Hurt people hurt people.

For a couple years now, I've naively believed I had the temperature of my voice under control.  No longer was I the snarky teenager who refused to be wrong and shot her syllables like arrows.  I had endured a large amount of humbling at the hands of life, a season I often describe as one in which every shred of self righteousness was "beaten out of me".  Morbid I know, but it illustrates the feeling perfectly.

Slowly the sounds that have left my mouth and shade my words have become sharp again. Gradually, like a slow bleed with no marked turning point. That sharpness has crept into my need to control, it's slithered into my jokes and even into my statements of concern or alarm, confusing and unintentionally inuring those I value. My words are not to blame, but rather the way I utter the sounds they are made of. Arrows indeed, and I'm just as bloody by them as my loved ones.

So here begins a new chapter (or perhaps a return to an earlier one) in which I breathe deeply, mourn and tend the wounds I have caused and decide to take my thoughts captive anew-- each day, moment and situation that I open my mouth.  Then sacrifice the shame within me as I allow the cleansing blood and grace of Christ to cover me (again, and not for the last time).

God, please keep making and growing me.

Adventure + Perspective

My Saturday small group was canceled today because literally every member (other than me) is busy having an out of town adventure. For the first 5 seconds I was angry (read: bitter), all but one were last minute news to me and well, I didn't have an adventure planned this weekend.  But then I reminded myself of the simple (yet solid) truth that God has control. If he wanted me to go adventuring this weekend, he would have provided that. (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11)  Not to mention: if my friends have been given the opportunity to do something awesome, I want to be excited and joyful for them!  And once I've waded through my own hang-ups, I truly am!  Oh, human tendencies-- major fail.

So what does He want for me this weekend?

Just that question changed my thought process entirely-- there is a plan, even if far away adventure isn't it at the moment.

Without that truth, I would have been too caught up in envy to see my own path spread out before me (such a tragic way to waste life!).  I've seen it unfold even this morning!  I woke up mopey but allowed my heart and mind to be open to the prospect of a positive day.   A beautiful solitary morning at home has followed, something I've needed but have been resisting.

I actually made a real breakfast of mushroom, pesto scrambled eggs, my first at-home latte, and sat down to paint when I realized I hadn't spoken to God yet.  So I did.  Prayer out loud in a quiet house, with sleeping dogs and a fire lit, is in short-- wonderful. Especially when God has designed you there, and you can feel it in your bones.

I'll spend the next couple hours painting and finishing a card for a dear friend who is leaving for the summer tomorrow, soaking in the rest I've needed these past couple of weeks. I'll live this weekend as I try to live each day, expectantly and with eyes open. I truly believe that wherever we find ourselves, we must choose to embrace our circumstances in order to live fully.  I've spent years of my life finding that out, fighting instead of surrendering.

My heart still desires adventure, it always has (hence why these circumstances struck me so).  My God knows those desires well and I believe that He put them there w/ a purpose and for an appointed time. I'm realizing though, that adventure is such a multi-faceted, subjective thing.

Finding beauty in unexpected places, indeed. :)

Follow my blog with Bloglovin