Spring

Because, as usual, it's been too long. :)

And more adventures to come, that I can always be sure of.

I read a simple expression just now that dissolved the smidgen of tension that I unknowingly had between my shoulders: "Let things happen". Isn't is funny (and whenever I say that, I really mean peculiar) that such few words could make such sense, and remind me of the faithful, freedom-giving ways of God?

So often I think we are (or at least I am) afraid to take risks, and just engage with what comes our way. There's this expectation our society has that we need to be safe and responsible to our means, but I'm now reminded that I'm actually responsible to God's means-- what he can provide from me, not what I can provide for me! 

Living our lives like our own means determine what is possible, is a shortsighted power trip. Not only is it giving ourselves way too much credit (and responsibility), it allows us only to be, do, or become what is within our human scope of reason.

Not me, friends. I would so much rather stand up in the power and ability of my Maker, surrendering self sufficiency, but also embracing the resources of the creator of the universe. 

I'm sure I'll need to return to this post in the coming months and years, to be reminded of this-- but I suppose that's exactly why I write.

Introspection and Thanks

This summer has been so strange, traveling at a snail's pace one moment and blurring past the next.  The last 5 or 6 days (seriously, it's already Wednesday!?) went by like light speed and I'm floundering a bit to process it all.  Even excitement and joy need to be sorted.

I thrive on rumination, introspection and processing my feelings and thoughts-- A pensive stance is home base for me, so when things happen rapidly in succession (though I enjoy it), I need the time to sort it all out within myself.  Which is perhaps why I write.

Big time praise is in order for #sandblast14 and the way God showed himself (as always) to be thoroughly trustworthy.  The weekend was equal parts wonderful and exhausting, lived alongside amazing and authentic individuals and feeling the Spirit move deeply. I walked in partially blind on Friday, but it's become increasingly clear since, how necessary the rock and hard place circumstances of the past few months of my life have been to the plans God had for Sandblast concerning me.  Which is why I say again, my favorite times of life are when I literally have no choice in the matter.  When options don't exist and straight ahead is all there is, at least I'm going the right way.

Usually, coming home from these things is somewhat hard because of the shocking disconnection from constant community.  This year, I found that not a problem at all!  Even my first day back was relationally and spiritually full-- coffee with a newer friend who understands my depths and later, dinner with a good friend who has helped me to laugh and pursue action in life.  I could not be more thankful for being right where I am.

Father, I can't praise, thank or worship you enough.  You've taken the broken shell of a girl I once was (and occasionally still am) and reformed her-- into me, the real, joyful, confident, vivid person you created me to be.  Sometimes I'm just completely awed by the amount of healing you have done in my heart, and the work you are allowing my hands to do.  So, so blessed.

Details

{top} - Thrifted

{skort} - vintage 60's, for sale at Curio!

{sandals} - Seychelles

Ressurection of Hope

Happy Easter friends, I had something a rough morning and thought I'd share what God spoke to my heart through a familiar song.  This felt so tailored personally to me as I sat at my computer, in my Easter dress typing my thoughts.  I had one of my Spotify playlists on shuffle and this song by Sing Team just happened to collide with my feelings:

So when Iʼm drowning out at sea 
And all your breakers and your waves crash down on me 
Iʼll recall your safety scheme 
Youʼre the one who made the waves 
And your Son went out to suffer in my place 
And to show me that Iʼm safe 

Why am I down? 
Why so disturbed? 
I am satisfied in you.

Psalm 42:7 has long been an intimate verse for me, I feel it so deeply.  To be swept up in the might of my Creator, either intense or gentle is to feel safe and held. Though I'm not sure if what I feel from it is contextually correct, I know it's God still speaking to my heart.  Being continually satisfied in Christ is a constant battle, one I'm fighting even on the very morning of Easter!  In moments like that, I just need to be swept over by God's "waves and breakers", to feel his presence.

I'm so thankful for lyrics and words such as this, that remind me where my eyes should land even in the midst of trial or frustration.

He is risen friends, without that I wouldn't have the hope that I do. :)

Provision and A Loveseat

I've had a pretty simple, but lovely day. :)

I've been on the hunt for a tiny, affordable loveseat or couch for about a month to put in my office/sitting room.  Finding the right one was really an act of God because the door frames are all 29" inches in my apartment, not to mention a narrow staircase and my overly specific taste. Finding one was essential, though, as there's no designated living room in my apartment.

Weeks ago I scoured all of the local furniture resale spots to no avail, mostly due to size.  My Mom tried to convince me to settle for chairs, but I took to Craigslist instead-- and boy am I happy I did!

Does that mean I found my loveseat?  "Settee" really, but yes! 

It's absolutely perfect, came at a completely reasonable price, and fit through the narrow doorway!  Not only that, but the lady I purchased it from re-upholsters vintage furniture-- seeing her work was amazing, and makes me want to learn!  I know, I know, one thing at a time. :)

My Mom came along with me for the hour drive to get the loveseat, we both thoroughly enjoy driving through open country and the springy weather today made it even better!  Afterwards we stopped at a little Thai restaurant and shared a meal.  These events took up all of two hours, but what a blessing to my heart!

This loveseat is a tiny thing, but seeing and sitting on it will always be another reminder that my heavenly Father loves and provides for me in specific, unique ways.

Soft: Peices of Story

I have recently realized more than ever that it's okay to be soft, because truly I am.

I wear on my body every day, garments of softness, femininity and grace.  I'm beginning to wonder though, if my motives for that have perhaps been to find a balance-- an element to equalize the hard and silent way that I often automatically present myself to the world.

Growing up (in more ways than one) softness was not encouraged in my family culture, neighborhood or general reality.  Gentle figures were not respected, nor did they have control of their lives, so the small, blue-eyed girl that I was, watched and decided that softness was death.  But the young heart that beat in my chest was, as it is now, full of honest tenderness.  I cared deeply for people and animals alike, asking why that person was sad, or why that dog didn't have a home ("Mom, can we keep/help him please?").  

Some of my dearest and clearest childhood memories are of animal rescues, or hurting people. Led by my gentle Mother, we tended to a baby deer, a snapping turtle (yep), a baby crane, other birds and a couple of stray dogs.  One of the latter was a golden retriever that I spotted wandering our street and followed, only to discover that his paws were torn and bleeding, having run a long distance.  My family fostered the dog for a couple of days before he found a new home.  Around the same age (7 or 8 I believe), I had an encounter with a gypsy child while on a trip in Ireland, confused and distraught I implored my Father for money to put in his dirty, broken McDonald's cup.

The heart that God put inside me sang and wept in those moments.  Later in my life, though, I would desperately try to kill it-- first out of shame and then to survive the Cataplexy that crippled both my heart and body.

There is much more story there, but in the past few years my torn, neglected heart has thawed and revived tremendously!  God has allowed deep, infected wounds to heal, but re-training my brain to un-clench my heart is easier said than done.  I suppose I'm conditioned.

I'm quite well versed in the darker emotions-- bitterness, woe, wist, hurt, anger.  Learning to let myself feel soft things, however-- joy, humor, affection -- has been gradual and hard work but I've come a long way.  Oh the shell of a girl I once was!  Just last night, the church service I attended was on the loving-faithfulness (Hebrew: hesed) of God, and how we can remember and see it's reality in our lives.  Friends, my story is so freaking full of God's hesed!  Loyal to the end, even when I felt I was too far gone-- not so.  He has so redeemed and rescued my heart and will continue to.

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Photo credit to my lovely friend, miss Katie Dunbar.

Arrows

The grace I mentioned at the end of my last post is so desperately needed in this moment. 

I've been blessedly and painfully convicted tonight of a fatal flaw I've long battled with: my verbal tone. We all have things that we struggle to tame and grow out of, traits that have developed usually in response to hurt or injury sustained along the path we've traveled. Hurt people hurt people.

For a couple years now, I've naively believed I had the temperature of my voice under control.  No longer was I the snarky teenager who refused to be wrong and shot her syllables like arrows.  I had endured a large amount of humbling at the hands of life, a season I often describe as one in which every shred of self righteousness was "beaten out of me".  Morbid I know, but it illustrates the feeling perfectly.

Slowly the sounds that have left my mouth and shade my words have become sharp again. Gradually, like a slow bleed with no marked turning point. That sharpness has crept into my need to control, it's slithered into my jokes and even into my statements of concern or alarm, confusing and unintentionally inuring those I value. My words are not to blame, but rather the way I utter the sounds they are made of. Arrows indeed, and I'm just as bloody by them as my loved ones.

So here begins a new chapter (or perhaps a return to an earlier one) in which I breathe deeply, mourn and tend the wounds I have caused and decide to take my thoughts captive anew-- each day, moment and situation that I open my mouth.  Then sacrifice the shame within me as I allow the cleansing blood and grace of Christ to cover me (again, and not for the last time).

God, please keep making and growing me.

Cranberry Tart(an)

This skirt makes me feel my heritage (but puppy fur loves it).  

Mom is moved and settled, I officially have a new sister-in-law, I'm going to be the proud Aunt of a little boy (just found out the gender yesterday!) and I am now actually an apprentice shoemaker!

These are the current joys in my life though the seas have otherwise become stormy of late.  God is still good (always, He is) and has been teaching, molding and building me to be who He designed me to be.  Lately, my main comfort and prompt has been from Proverbs 4:25-27 which is an encouragement to keep my eyes straight ahead, to not be distracted from what is right in front of me.  Personally, that's a huge reminder to get out of my head, and to allow my concerns and cares to rest in the hands of my Creator.  We fret and try to control our existence, but all God ever calls us to deal with is the present.

Easier said than done, certainly.  Good thing I serve a God who has lavished grace on me!

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Details

{skirt} - vintage 70's, inherited

{thermal} - Free People

{hoodie} - ModCloth

{necklace} - gift from Dad

{tights} - ModCloth

{oxfords} - Julianne Hough

Settling In

I have been moved into my new abode for two weeks this coming Monday and it is good.  

This charming little place quite literally dropped into my lap-- like so many great, God-ordained things of late.  The bride of the recent wedding I worked on is actually the person I am subletting from.  It's funny, when I first expressed interest in the place I wasn't even actively looking to move, and knew nothing about the apartment-- except that I liked the location.  In the moment I even felt a little crazy-- haha, even people who love me thought I was a bit crazy.

But here I am, and I can feel God growing me through it already.  That's honestly not really been a good feeling either.  I've felt Spiritually attacked this week quite a bit, self doubt around why I made this move, realization of how much easier life would be if I hadn't. 

That's exactly the point though: the easy road never results in growth or depth. Thought part of me wishes my self development were over already, I fully realize how sad it would be for my human potential to cease at 25.  

Heck no, onward to more growth-- even if that makes me uncomfortable.

The Drawing Board

I'm back at it.  The drawing board, I mean.

I quit my admin job last week,  it was a rock + a hard place situation so I've felt a lot of peace and freedom since.  God really used the time I spent working in an office though, to open my eyes to how much I really could do with my shop and creative skills.  Pre-office job I was a bit complacent when it came to entrepreneurship-- I'm not taking it for granted anymore. 

I resigned on the 8th, since then I've been hit with this weird shock at actually having time to work on things I love again.  It's an awesome thing, but figuring out how to work successfully alone again is a challenge.  Having worked by a set schedule with specific tasks for awhile, I'm feeling kind of lost.  Self motivation and focus are key when working independently-- both of which are hard for me, especially working from home where distractions abound.  The dog, that book I've been reading, that dress I was going to hem, there's just no structure when your work space is in your living space.

I really prayed against  that this morning and am feeling a bit better as the day goes.  Keeping in mind (literally) that my God is bigger than any situation, and He's given me the power to make my thoughts captive to Christ.

This outfit was from Sunday, and it think it's the third time I've shown this skirt-- it was one of my Mom's closet staples in the 70's.  The other ways I wore it are here in 2012 and here in 2011.  Weird to think I've been blogging that long...?

Details

{skirt} - Mother's, vintage 70's

{lace tank} - worn underneath, Target

{floral/bird tank} - Kohl's

{necklace} - gift from Dad

{flats} - ?

Stepping Stones

Maybe I'm unobservant for not realizing how beautiful these flowers near my front door would turn out to be, but woah!  It's funny that at the start of this blog, using my front door as a backdrop for outfits was a last resort.  I wanted on location and adventure-- still things I like, but how wonderful to see the seasonal progress in this humble little spot in my world.

Life has been interesting of late, full of unexpected ups and downs-- some exiting, some sad.  These pictures are from Sunday but things have just been too busy to post until now!  Lately God has been teaching me the value of building everything I do (not just myself) on His firm foundation.  One of the aforementioned recent changes is an internship I'll be starting in August with a company that I love!  It's a perfect example of something I feel strongly about giving to God.  After many years of being unsure of my future and feeling stuck, one by one God gave me a trail of stepping stones-- beginning small and seemingly random, growing larger as they went.  Some of those stones were not places I desired to be, but I trusted my God and endured until another door was opened for me.  This internship is a place I do desire to be!  It would be so easy for me to make it about myself and my own progress, and forget who led me here.  I want to be very intentional about that as I begin in a few weeks, planting my feet firmly on the Rock and being His hands and feet to those around me.  If you're interested in where the inspiration for these thoughts came from, check out Luke 6:46-49.

P.S.- This dress is shorts...right? Yep.

P.S.S - My henna tattoo is complete! I'll share it in my next post!

{Seersucker Romper/Dress} - 40's Vintage via Moxie

{Red Belt} - 50's Vintage thrifted

{Flats} - Modcloth

{Gold Lockett} - Grandmother's

Adventure + Perspective

My Saturday small group was canceled today because literally every member (other than me) is busy having an out of town adventure. For the first 5 seconds I was angry (read: bitter), all but one were last minute news to me and well, I didn't have an adventure planned this weekend.  But then I reminded myself of the simple (yet solid) truth that God has control. If he wanted me to go adventuring this weekend, he would have provided that. (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11)  Not to mention: if my friends have been given the opportunity to do something awesome, I want to be excited and joyful for them!  And once I've waded through my own hang-ups, I truly am!  Oh, human tendencies-- major fail.

So what does He want for me this weekend?

Just that question changed my thought process entirely-- there is a plan, even if far away adventure isn't it at the moment.

Without that truth, I would have been too caught up in envy to see my own path spread out before me (such a tragic way to waste life!).  I've seen it unfold even this morning!  I woke up mopey but allowed my heart and mind to be open to the prospect of a positive day.   A beautiful solitary morning at home has followed, something I've needed but have been resisting.

I actually made a real breakfast of mushroom, pesto scrambled eggs, my first at-home latte, and sat down to paint when I realized I hadn't spoken to God yet.  So I did.  Prayer out loud in a quiet house, with sleeping dogs and a fire lit, is in short-- wonderful. Especially when God has designed you there, and you can feel it in your bones.

I'll spend the next couple hours painting and finishing a card for a dear friend who is leaving for the summer tomorrow, soaking in the rest I've needed these past couple of weeks. I'll live this weekend as I try to live each day, expectantly and with eyes open. I truly believe that wherever we find ourselves, we must choose to embrace our circumstances in order to live fully.  I've spent years of my life finding that out, fighting instead of surrendering.

My heart still desires adventure, it always has (hence why these circumstances struck me so).  My God knows those desires well and I believe that He put them there w/ a purpose and for an appointed time. I'm realizing though, that adventure is such a multi-faceted, subjective thing.

Finding beauty in unexpected places, indeed. :)

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False Expectations

I don't know about you but I have a very vivid imagination.  Whenever I read a book, I flesh out the characters, landscapes and scenes fully in my mind's eye.  This can be a wonderful thing, but can also trip me up in life sometimes.  

I've found that I tend to imagine my day, or specific interactions the way I want or expect to see them happen.  This can be dangerous because those false expectations set me up for dissapointment, frustration and sometmes hurt.  It's stupid really, but something I struggle with none the less.  I've been learning to stop trying to control the details, so I can fully experience what does happen and take it in stride.

I'm currently reading the daily devotional Jesus Calling, and one of the entries this week touched on this topic (so I had to share).

I'm about a week behind in this book (it's a year long one), but God has allowed each day to bless, challenge or reassure me none-the-less-- more proof that Jesus likes messy people. :)

I've had to remind myself several times this week to change my train of thought (take it captive), and just go with the flow.  I'm actually amazed at how much more peace it's given me to not consider the details before they happen, and fully give God control.

Lyrics from Control by JJ Heller

Question: Do you struggle with planning the details of your life, or setting false expectations?  I'd love to hear other examples of this, and how you fight that tendancy to control.