Spring

Because, as usual, it's been too long. :)

And more adventures to come, that I can always be sure of.

I read a simple expression just now that dissolved the smidgen of tension that I unknowingly had between my shoulders: "Let things happen". Isn't is funny (and whenever I say that, I really mean peculiar) that such few words could make such sense, and remind me of the faithful, freedom-giving ways of God?

So often I think we are (or at least I am) afraid to take risks, and just engage with what comes our way. There's this expectation our society has that we need to be safe and responsible to our means, but I'm now reminded that I'm actually responsible to God's means-- what he can provide from me, not what I can provide for me! 

Living our lives like our own means determine what is possible, is a shortsighted power trip. Not only is it giving ourselves way too much credit (and responsibility), it allows us only to be, do, or become what is within our human scope of reason.

Not me, friends. I would so much rather stand up in the power and ability of my Maker, surrendering self sufficiency, but also embracing the resources of the creator of the universe. 

I'm sure I'll need to return to this post in the coming months and years, to be reminded of this-- but I suppose that's exactly why I write.

Arrows

The grace I mentioned at the end of my last post is so desperately needed in this moment. 

I've been blessedly and painfully convicted tonight of a fatal flaw I've long battled with: my verbal tone. We all have things that we struggle to tame and grow out of, traits that have developed usually in response to hurt or injury sustained along the path we've traveled. Hurt people hurt people.

For a couple years now, I've naively believed I had the temperature of my voice under control.  No longer was I the snarky teenager who refused to be wrong and shot her syllables like arrows.  I had endured a large amount of humbling at the hands of life, a season I often describe as one in which every shred of self righteousness was "beaten out of me".  Morbid I know, but it illustrates the feeling perfectly.

Slowly the sounds that have left my mouth and shade my words have become sharp again. Gradually, like a slow bleed with no marked turning point. That sharpness has crept into my need to control, it's slithered into my jokes and even into my statements of concern or alarm, confusing and unintentionally inuring those I value. My words are not to blame, but rather the way I utter the sounds they are made of. Arrows indeed, and I'm just as bloody by them as my loved ones.

So here begins a new chapter (or perhaps a return to an earlier one) in which I breathe deeply, mourn and tend the wounds I have caused and decide to take my thoughts captive anew-- each day, moment and situation that I open my mouth.  Then sacrifice the shame within me as I allow the cleansing blood and grace of Christ to cover me (again, and not for the last time).

God, please keep making and growing me.

To Edit or Not to Edit

When I first started blogging, I came face to face with the issue of To Edit or Not To Edit.  It may seem hypocritical, but I decided to edit my shop photos but not those on my blog.  Here's why:

I have always edited my vintage shop photos.  I have some skin issues and the product photos I model in are a form of marketing.  In short: I want my customers focusing on the dress, not my face.  It didn't take me long though, to decide my personal blog was not a place for edited photos.  I don't take these photographs to market anything, I take and share them to express and document my sense of style-- even if (or especially because) it's flawed.  Authenticity is what it comes down to, and I feel that I can't be without exposing my flaws.

I find it funny that as humans we have this instinct to hide our flaws.  It's something I struggled with a lot in my teens, and have overcome mostly through frank openness about my weaknesses.  The reason I find it funny is that once we've exposed our flaws, we usually find ourselves strangely confident-- we no longer need to fear that others will identify our insecurities because we've fully acknowledged them already.  For me, it also boils down to the fact that I don't need to be perfect because the blood of Christ has made that unnecessary.  I can come as I am, bad skin and all.  Jesus loves messy people and I'm pretty glad of that.

I'd love to hear your take on this issue, especially if you have a shop or blog online.

{Peacock Dress} vintage '40's, thrifted

{Lace Tank} worn underneath Target

{MJ Flats} Lulu's

{Stone Bracelet} gift from friend

{Silver Watch} vintage, thrifted

{Steel Necklace} gift from Dad

{Blue Belt} vintage, thrifted

Adventure + Perspective

My Saturday small group was canceled today because literally every member (other than me) is busy having an out of town adventure. For the first 5 seconds I was angry (read: bitter), all but one were last minute news to me and well, I didn't have an adventure planned this weekend.  But then I reminded myself of the simple (yet solid) truth that God has control. If he wanted me to go adventuring this weekend, he would have provided that. (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11)  Not to mention: if my friends have been given the opportunity to do something awesome, I want to be excited and joyful for them!  And once I've waded through my own hang-ups, I truly am!  Oh, human tendencies-- major fail.

So what does He want for me this weekend?

Just that question changed my thought process entirely-- there is a plan, even if far away adventure isn't it at the moment.

Without that truth, I would have been too caught up in envy to see my own path spread out before me (such a tragic way to waste life!).  I've seen it unfold even this morning!  I woke up mopey but allowed my heart and mind to be open to the prospect of a positive day.   A beautiful solitary morning at home has followed, something I've needed but have been resisting.

I actually made a real breakfast of mushroom, pesto scrambled eggs, my first at-home latte, and sat down to paint when I realized I hadn't spoken to God yet.  So I did.  Prayer out loud in a quiet house, with sleeping dogs and a fire lit, is in short-- wonderful. Especially when God has designed you there, and you can feel it in your bones.

I'll spend the next couple hours painting and finishing a card for a dear friend who is leaving for the summer tomorrow, soaking in the rest I've needed these past couple of weeks. I'll live this weekend as I try to live each day, expectantly and with eyes open. I truly believe that wherever we find ourselves, we must choose to embrace our circumstances in order to live fully.  I've spent years of my life finding that out, fighting instead of surrendering.

My heart still desires adventure, it always has (hence why these circumstances struck me so).  My God knows those desires well and I believe that He put them there w/ a purpose and for an appointed time. I'm realizing though, that adventure is such a multi-faceted, subjective thing.

Finding beauty in unexpected places, indeed. :)

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